July 4, 2017

Here it comes.  The busiest day of the year.  The day upon which we are inundated by throngs of tourists descending upon our quaint little mountain hamlet, waving plastic red, white, and blue flags made in China.  The 4th of July.

I used to love the 4th of July.  Truth be told, it was likely my favorite day of the year.  We used to have a pretty cool snowboard jib float (thanks mainly to the vision and executional abilities of Tom Kelly, a true snowboarder’s snowboarder) that would thrill and delight the masses of flag waving tourons who lined Elk Avenue.  There was a bike jump float, too (C.B.M.P. represent), and our ex-mayor, love him or hate him, could be found ski jumping over a pit of fire.  It was a spectacle.  It was a party.  It was a good damn time.

But since the last election, I’m not really so interested in celebrating our current state of idocracy, or entertaining the tourists, specifically the ones that come from red state white America.  I’m not so interested in putting on a show for the Christian bigots that attempt to hide their ignorant racism behind the thin veil of a God created in their own image.  I’m not keen to playing the ever accepting liberal host to guests who continually vote not only against my best interests, but also THEIR best interests, in the name of “freedom”, or greed, or fundamentalist ignorance.

How hypocritical can one be to consistently vote in representatives whose utter disregard for the environment will serve to poison our natural habitat for generations to come, and then vacation in one of the most beautiful and pristine places in the country, a place whose never ending fight to prevent a mine from coming to fruition is critical to its continued viability as a vacation destination?  Do you not understand that you are a human being, and human beings are part of the natural ecosystem, and our willful destruction of said ecosystem will eventually bring about our own demise?  Or are you willing to ignore that most simple of facts in the name of short term profits, profits that will be paid for by the suffering of your children whom you claim to love so much, and their children beyond that?  But hey, someone’s got to fuel the Suburban that pulls the ridiculous trailer of four wheeled atvs, since you’re too fat and lazy to learn how to ride a bike, or how to downsize, or how to stop being so much of an irresponsible consumer.

I understand that we live in a tourist economy.  I understand that my life here is fully enabled by the people who choose to visit this place, although I am working on changing that.  But for the time being, yes, I need the tourists.  It is high time, however, to draw a line in the dust that delineates responsible tourism from willful and neglectful consumption.  If you’re going to drive your Jeeps and atvs and bloated passenger vehicles through meadows being used for scientific research, we don’t want you here.  Because despite what your religion of blind disregard may lead you to believe, science is real, and you are not immune to its effects, regardless of what your greedy and fully corrupted state representatives may tell you.  If you can be responsible, and maybe try to consume a little less, and stop taking that fucking disposable plastic bottle of water with you everywhere you go, then by all means, welcome, and enjoy.  But if you truly believe that you’re not going to survive the bus ride from one place with perfectly drinkable tap water to the next, then maybe you should consider vacationing elsewhere.  Like Flint.

And really, what are you even doing here in Bluetown, USA?  Don’t you hate us, what with our high taxes, community benefits, equal rights, satanic hedonism, and cross-dressing freaks?  Wouldn’t you rather vacation on some oil fouled waterway in your home state?  God knows you hate queers, and you love that home state of yours.  You’re so proud of that flag, and all your sports teams.  Why not just stay there, go to a game, eat some hot dogs, and drink some more of that shit beer of which you’re all so fond?  You’d probably save a bunch of money, and help to defund those damn liberals, what with their free Socialist bus service and free Socialist concerts all the damn time. Because YOU’RE paying for that shit, and Ashley’s gonna need a boob job come high school graduation.

Never mind the fact that the blue states subsidize the federal welfare grab of the red states.  Does that strike any of you as ironic?  Or, perhaps more accurately, hypocritical?  At what point does the brainwashing become self-evident?  Ah, but therein lies the key to running a good cult.  Keep ‘em scared, and keep ‘em stupid.  Propaganda is a terrifyingly useful tool.  And human beings, despite our technological advances, remain unconscionably susceptible to it.  So much so, in fact, that we have somehow managed to reverse decades of progressive policy (Do you know why it’s called “progressive”?  Because it’s PROGRESS.) in favor of a spray tanned reality star king with obvious compensatory issues.

I used to be proud of this country.  I used to think that we were the leaders and defenders of the free world.  But not anymore.  Now we’re just a bunch of greedy imperialist dim wits, addicted to guns, fossil fuels, and mind numbingly bad television.  Education, science, and progress have lost out to fictional deities, “disposable” plastic, and the cast of the Jersey Shore.  It’s embarrassing.  It shouldn’t even be a fight.  But it is, and the smart people are losing, most likely because we engage in responsible breeding, rather than strategies designed to ensure maximum cult propagation.  I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent human being capable of independent, rational thought, thought untainted by prevailing cult doctrine, and I’m completely disgusted.

So I think I’m going to take a year off this year.  I’m going to go ride my bike far away from the multitudes of flag wavers, while you all watch the procession of pickup trucks filled with candy tossing kids promoting local businesses roll up Elk.  Because I’m not in the mood to pretend to like people that vote against my best interests.  I’m not rich.  I’m on Medicaid.  But I’m healthy, I’m not sucking on the teats of big oil or big pharma, and I still serve you with a smile. I enable your vacation hypocrisy, because my LIFE is rich, and full, and abundant in ways that yours will never be.  Most importantly, I don’t believe in your vision of a white, fundamentalist cult-driven United States of America, one led by a science denying sexual predator ignoramus narcissist megalomaniac.  Fuck that country, and fuck you for promoting it.  For people that have become so brainwashed and deluded as to vote and act against the best interests of themselves, and their countrymen, are no cause to celebrate.