Alma Matters

I received an email from my alma matter this week, as I do from time to time.  In addition to informing me of all the latest goings on of this fraternity and sorority oriented private institution of “higher” education, goings on about which I could not care less, and including lots of pictures of Eastern Indians and African Americans playing nice with the BMW driving Texas crackers in their Greek letter shirts, they always like to ask for money.  What can I give to keep Biff and Buffy sufficiently intoxicated for the upcoming semester?  How can I contribute to ensure that the minds of our impressionable youth are poisoned by our propaganda and controlled by our consorts before those socialist homos get to them?  Please remember, no amount is too little or too great!

Of particular interest to me this go round was that, on the day before the pretty beggars’ email arrived in my inbox, the New York Times featured an article entitled, “30 Private College Chiefs Got Over $1 Million in ’08″.  Guess who was number three, a fine podium position, on the list of over-compensated college heads of staff, and actually the HIGHEST PAID sitting college president of them all (1st place died and 2nd place resigned)…R. Gerald Turner, President, Southern Methodist University, who took home a whopping $2.77 million dollars in 2008.  To be fair (as if), $1.5 million of that income was the result of cashing out a life insurance policy, which makes his true ’08 salary a paltry $1.2 million dollars.  $1.2 million dollars a year for the president of a university that is asking my broke ass for money.  Are you fucking shitting me?

This information was dropped on me like a steaming hot carl after I was already incensed by the fact that SMU is the divine, chosen location for the George W. Bush Presidential Library.  The most murderous, imperialistic, freedom revoking, law bending, brain washing, self serving leader of our time is putting his name on a library to be housed at the college where I received my bachelor’s degree.  The college whose president takes home well over a million dollars a year to rub elbows and sip cocktails with douchebags like W.  Awesome.

But here comes the true coup de grace.  Not only is W. putting his tainted library on the SMU campus.  Not only is the president of the university taking home between $1.2 million and $2.77 million a year.  Not only are those pasty white right wing power mongers constantly asking my broke, out-of-pocket ass for money.  There’s icing on this cake.  Big, fat, sugary, butter cream with confectioner’s roses icing.  This time, they went so far as to ask me if SMU was included in my mother fucking WILL.  As in my last will and testament.  These greedy, blood sucking bastards want to make sure that after I am reduced to either smoldering ashes or worm sustenance, any of my valuable cash leftovers will be given to THEM.  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?  The only school in the HISTORY of the NCAA to receive the “death penalty” as punishment for its egregious recruiting and player ethics violations wants to make sure that I don’t forget to leave them a nice chunk of change from my personal estate after my eventual untimely demise, so that they may continue to further the collective cause of Texas Republicans, their disgustingly overpaid president, and the spoiled little frat boys and sorority girls that find it necessary to purchase their immediate and “closest” friends, friends on whom they will vomit every weekend while learning about the joys of alcohol poisoning and sexually transmitted diseases.

Hey, R. Gerald Turner.  Hey George W. Bush.  Hey Biff and Buffy and all you nice looking Eastern Indians and African Americans that have seemingly integrated yourselves so seamlessly into the fabric of wealthy, white, Republic of Texas culture.  You want a donation?  You want to make sure you’re included in my will?  OK.  Here.  I’ve got something for you all.  I mean “y’all”.  It’s in my pocket, right next to my wallet, which is right next to my will.  You can put it in your safe deposit box.  Or maybe you can build a new fanatical right wing student center with it.  Or maybe you can start a new scholarship fund for the girl with the biggest hair.  Or the biggest tits.  I’m sure you can find something good to do with it.  Surely you need it more than my family or my friends.  Hold on, let me just get it out for you…

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